Day 21: Home Alone!!!

What's that saying? You don't know what you got until it's gone?!? My husband is gone. Not really... He's home but has locked himself in our office for the last week and a half. Bad timing... We have had something every night of the week. He will make guest appearances for these events but then when everyone leaves he goes back into hiding until the wee hours of the night and wakes up super early. He's working on the message for our church's candle light service. (Tomorrow night, 6:30 pm) I see huge poster size sticky notes all over the walls filled with notes and thoughts. He only comes back into the house to refill his French press with more coffee. The kids light up when he comes in and then follow him to the glass doors and watch him return back to work. Gosh...I light up to have some adult conversation or another set of hands for a moment so I can scarf down part of my meal or to use the bathroom. Addysen is way too fast to leave her anywhere for a split second. I have been putting her in her crib or high chair if I need to go downstairs to grab the laundry or even do the dishes. She doesn't like the confinement. Haha! Anyways... Joel hasn't worked on a message in a while so he's out of any sort of rhythm. Hence the reason why he hasn't blogged the last few days... It's crunch time. I think it's hard enough to parent with the two adults (remember I'm spoiled with four adults living under one roof) and now that its just one adult... Crazy!!! Shout out to all you single parents out there. I don't think it's impossible... I am just exhausted.

I had a little break down yesterday. I had finally convinced kaden to run errands. One stop at the office to sign some checks, drop the mail off at the post and go to the Dollar store and Target to buy some gifts and stuff we need for our trip to Seattle and maybe a hair cut for the little guy. We left the house later than I wanted and we hit traffic in the middle of the day. We are almost to the office and I look back to a sleeping baby (which I wanted) and a sleeping big boy (that I didn't really want). I can't carry him around to run my errands. And he was OUT! I made it to the office and left my sleeping kids in the car to run inside through the down pour and grab what I needed. I prayed the the employees of the ice cream shop wouldn't call the cops on me. (I wasn't even gone a minute for those who are shaming me right now.) I had to go home. No other errands could be made with the sleeping kids. I got home. Overwhelmed by my list. Texted Joel to ask if he'd be in hiding the whole rest of the afternoon and evening. He came in. I said I needed just an hour. He told me to go. I felt soooo guilty the whole time I was gone. I rushed around like a mad woman. I might have just grabbed things and not compared prices like I would normally have. I came home with stuff checked off but still feeling empty and guilty. I felt selfish.

I miss my husband. I miss the kids' daddy. I miss my co-laborer. (Chores are more fun done together). Joel is the better shopper. He's the better cook. He's the better put-kaden-to-bed person. He's the better soccer player. He keeps me sane. He keeps me laughing.

He's a great pastor... Don't hear me wrong. He's not being neglectful, he is doing what he can and we are allowing him the space to work on a very special message that I know God is working through him on. I'm very excited to hear the final message tomorrow night.

I know all the laundry, packing, cards, gift wrapping and whatever else is on my list will all come together...it always does. I'm looking forward to a few days of doing nothing but enjoying family and friends and getting back into a rhythm with Joel back. Next time he preaches I'm hiring a nanny and a house cleaner. Hahah!!! Definitely spoiled. :) Off to start packing. Oh wait. Laundry first. Night blog readers.