I'm tired. I'm worn out. I'm weary. I need Jesus to show me how to take a real rest. My jaw is tight... I think I'm grinding my teeth at night. Speaking of teeth I think Addysen's top two are trying to come in. She's not eating the greatest and therefore not sleeping very well. My heart is heavy from all the mall shooting stuff. My soul is uneasy cause I haven't slowed down enough to be with Jesus. I'm trying but I feel like I'm just trying to stay afloat. I'm lucky that I get one solid meal in the last few days.
Baking has been something that's given me a little creative outlet. But in all these heavy emotions God is here. He made himself evident this morning when I was going to visit a friend in the hospital. Before I left I checked the bank account. Freaked out just a bit worrying about how to travel and have a good simple Christmas with some little presents. I was going to go on a spending freeze until I could figure how we were going to swing the rest of the month. But I really wanted to bless my friend with a cup of Starbucks. She said the coffee was real bad and She didn't sleep well at the hospital. I made myself a cup of coffee at home so I wouldn't have to buy myself a cup of coffee too. Anyways... I took kaden to school and he's new thing is listening to our worship CD in the car... But just one song...over and OVER and OVER AGAIN. He's in the back "sing, sing, sing! And make music to the heavens...sing sing sing!" I started singing along and worshiping with my son. And remembered that my finances have always been in God's control. Things don't always add up when we don't factor God into the equation. So by faith I texted my friend. Asked her what her order was. Got to the drive thru. Ordered. Looked back at Addysen peacefully sleeping. And thanked God. Got to the window to pay and the barista handed me the drink and I proceeded to hand her my card and she said the car in front of me paid. I almost started to cry. Yes... It's a drink. It's a few bucks. But at that moment God was whispering that he's got my back. That humanity still has a heart. I was grateful. It was a beautiful morning spent hanging with my friend in the hospital room.
Moments like that get me through the sleepless nights. The feeling like we are always rushing out the door. The feelings of being alone with two kids and not my adult conversations. Or my adult conversations are never complete thoughts cause something or someone is needing my attention. Deep breaths. Deep prayers. Slow down. Thankful for Gods reminders through his word and through my community and through the random acts of kindness. Love this crazy life of mine.
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