November...

So we thought after the marathon life would get back to normal around the To-Banker house... and then I got sick. This might be a little repeat from my facebook notes but more reflective three months later. So for those who haven't heard I had an ectopic pregnancy... that is when my fertilized egg doesn't make it to the uterus but gets stuck in my fallopian tube. It caused my fallopian tube to rupture and I had internal bleeding. I thought I just had the stomach flu. My friend, GT, was prompted by God to come check up on me at about 9pm... and took me to urgent care. We had some tests done and a ultra sound.... they gave me some morphine to help with the pain. We went into surgery the next morning. Recovery was hard... it was hard to not be able to hold Kaden, to lift anything... it was even hard to move about and do normal things like showering.

It's so interesting all the stories shared once I shared mine. Lots of miscarriages, heartaches, babies passing away.... how there's such a difference in everyone's stories... yet most had a hope in a savior through it all. Faith that grace is enough. That through the hard times Jesus is sustaining each and every family. I wasn't heartbroken about losing the baby... I was about seven weeks along. We had no idea we were pregnant...actually we thought for sure we weren't. I took a pregnancy test about two weeks before this and it was negative. All that to say... in the same breath we found out we were pregnant we found out the baby wasn't going to make it. I think there was a sadness but more of relief to know that we know what was wrong with me and the pains I was feeling. Everyone tip toes around the question of "is she really okay?" some like Sister Mary at the hospital couldn't take my answer of yes, I was really okay about it... that my soul was okay.... she tried to tell me to name the baby and assign it a gender to be able to heal from this. I thought she was wacky cause for me at that time, I needed her to listen to me and hear that I had an amazing community of friends and family to care for us... and that I wasn't mourning the loss of the baby I knew of for seven whole seconds... who am I to assign it a gender... what if I get to heaven and my baby that I assigned to be a little girl was a boy? Or does gender then even matter? Anyways... I feel sadness because we can't have a baby for another year... I feel sadness because of the joy a baby brings. Not because I lost this baby. I wish I could be in my second trimester and nesting but why do that to myself... I find joy in the things I do have... a beautiful, funny, witty, smart, creative, gentle, kind, crazy, silly, gracious son, Kaden.

Being on sick-leave for three weeks was very hard for me... I am a workaholic. I need to be needed. My soul had to be reminded of where my identity needs to be. I was labeling myself as a wife, a mother, a good worker (I am asian after all). I had nothing to give when I was sick and recovering... yet, I was still loved.... by an amazing husband, by an adorable son, my co-workers, friends and family and best of all by my Jesus. I did nothing and yet was loved unconditionally. :)